PheMOMena

So Kensie is going through a stage where she confuses the role of parent and child. Like, she CLEARLY thinks that I am her child. Ma’am.  Here is the conversation we just had:  Me: “Kensie stop with that high pitched noise.” (There was an eye roll that was so major, it cannot be adequately described in the English language.  Kensie: “But I playing!” Me: “Then go into the library and you can play as loud as you want, but I don’t want to hear that noise anymore.”  She gets off my bed, takes her Kindle and heads towards the library. Then she turns around, points her finger and says: “you a very bad girl because you keep not doing what I say!” 🥴🥴🥴 Welcome to Toddler Hell. Caffeine is our drug of choice and punishment for felonies include having to watch your kid reenact all the Disney songs she can think of (there are 2 songs that she knows by heart) on repeat. All day. The wage you pay for misdemeanors is having the person you gave birth to tell you that she is hungr...

Picture this: a ride in the car during the life and times of covid19. Little Lady K and I are only going two places, we have our masks and we are ready.  I like going on rides with my baby girl. She is extremely funny. The downside is that she HAS to have a stuffy with her on car rides. Has to. I mean, she is able to ride without one... but then behavior is dicey. No one wants to deal with that bullshit, right? Right!  So, here we are in the car and she brought Skye with her- and not just some run of the mill Skye, no... the TALKING Skye has graced us with her presence. I want to vomit. Immediately. Little Lady K is in the back and she just KEEPS pressing the button that makes Skye talk. Over and over again. Like I want to take Skye and put her under my tires and and back over her. Twice. Here is the conversation that just happened:  Me: “Alright with that Skye shit, stop pressing that button.” K: “Mama, this not Skye sit... her is a toy.” Then she rolled her eyes. But sh...

I just stepped out of the shower. It is 12:43 am. As I am toweling off I hear my four year old singing “Do You Want to Build A Snowman?” right outside the bathroom door. It is official- I hate the entire Frozen franchise. If you drew an arm on a tree for any Frozen scene, I hate you. We cannot be friends. Ever.  Sweet Jesus. I’m about to start singing “Somebody Save Me!” 

Generally, I am off mom duty for about an hour and a half on Wednesday. Every Wednesday hubs packs a very excited ballerina into the car with a bag containing two different pairs of shoes- ballet and tap. I watch them pull out of the garage and *run* back to my (still) hot cup of coffee. As I slowly sip my magical concoction, I mentally prepare for the day, grateful to have some time away from my little sunshine. I drink my coffee while it is hot. I make lists for the next few days. I pick something to clean in the house. If I am feeling really fancy, I will throw together something for lunch, which would technically be my breakfast because I have a fucked up eating/sleeping/living situation. (Just so you know, I don’t generally feel really fancy... because I would rather soak up the silence than eat.) These are the things that happen on Wednesday. Every Wednesday EXCEPT today. Today, schedules collided, hubs had shit to do and mama had to take Little Miss K to dance class. I w...

Baby K is transitioning from a babbling baby to a very talkative toddler. It has been in the works for a bit now. I mean, if you look at her parents, it is easy to see WHY Baby K would be a talker. Ok- if you look at ONE of her parents. It is me. I am the talkative parent. I have to admit that when kids learn to talk... that shit is hilarious. It is funny and cute and completely inappropriate to repeatedly ask your daughter to repeat herself when she says new words. I am totally guilty of having a 'bad mom' smirk on my face as my child adds to her vocabulary. I cannot help it. When she first ventured out into sing-a-longs with us, her favorite song was "The Wheels on the Bus." She knows what the wipers do, the windows, the wheels. Then we got to the door and y'all. Y'all. Did you know the doors on the bus go "open and shuck"? Because they do in this house. And I absolutely REFUSE to correct her. I know that she will learn the right way to say it....

Round these parts summertime is for doing kid things like going to every playground we see and the ultimate test of mama's sanity- swim class. Now, generally, extracurricular classes are dad's domain. He takes little Lady K to class and he stays with her. It serves as daddy/daughter time and mama also gets to stay home and finish a HOT cup of coffee and get herself together. It is wonderful. It worked through the Spring (dance class) and we had set the Summer up to follow suit. But summer is swim class... and swim class is not for the faint of heart. Two weeks ago, hubs visited a Goldfish swim school in a central Ohio suburb and signed up Little Lady K for class. He attended the first class with her and it was traumatizing for the toddler. Last week, after class, she asked me to come to class with her and dada.I checked on my portable coffee mug supply and once I saw that I had five mugs to choose from, I told her that I would come and watch her class. Y'all, why did I ...

Oh, sigh. I try to keep things on THIS blog fairly light, right? I mean, I tell you all about my daughter and the new stages we are going through (BTW, we are all still assigned rotating characters from random ass Nick Jr. shows, just in case you we wondering). But, I find that what we did as a family today, along with some news stories, will take the levity out of this post. What can I say? We will be back to shits and giggles in the next post. Today, Luke Perry died. If you didn't know, he grew up a short car ride (think 35 minutes or so) from our neighborhood. In the early 90s, when I was barely a teenager, he was like the end all be all on 90210. He was hot and his hair was perfect and I loved him. (Didn't love the show, but Dylan... I totally loved Dylan). Last week Luke had a massive stroke. He died today, while I was in a meeting, at the age of 52. A few reasons why this freaked me out: 1. Hubs is 51, 2. Luke seemed to be in great health (and I am sooooo not curren...

Most days I am “mama,” hubs is “dada,” and our offspring is “Kensie”. Most days. Which is generally how we like it, since we pored over our baby name list and picked a name that had meaning to us and all that jazz, right!? Right.  Starting yesterday, Kensie decided that she was NOT going to be Kensington for the duration. She was on some ‘my name is whatever I say it is’ bullshit. Not only did she say what her new name was, but Mark and I got new names also. She changed up the game all over. Like, fuck my feelings forever— she didn’t care that I’ve had the same name for 41 years, that shit stopped yesterday! 😒😒 So yesterday, Baby K was Owlette from PJ Mask. I was Cat Boy (did NOT like) and hubs was Gekko. If we called her baby, Kensie or any other name besides Owlette she SWIFTLY sent the correction AND would not answer us until we used her proper name. Protests of “I Owlette!!” rang through our house, followed by this look that screamed “I thought y’all were smart, but...

Welcome back to my crazy life! I know, I know, you probably just made a face and thought "I mean, how crazy could her life ACTUALLY be?" Well, darling, let me fill you in... on just the last day and a half. [Maybe my life isn't crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Could be. Yeah... totally could be.] It is just shy of three in the morning and here I am, trying to type quietly so I don't wake the irritable toddler that (finally) decided to go to sleep "in mama's bed." The same bed that she has peed in TWICE in the last 36 hours. BTW- never been so happy to have purchased a mattress protector, IN MY WHOLE LIFE. Big girl panties SUCK. So, laundry is the pits and I find myself just wanting to throw everything away, turn our Honda Element into a mini camper and go to the land of 'no sheets allowed' where toddlers walk around naked until they can figure out that they don't like the sensation of warm piss flowing down their formerly chunky legs. Yesterday...

You know, when you are pregnant people think  it is hilarious to send you pictures and videos of massive diaper blowouts. Babies just covered in poop, onesies that will never recover-- no matter how many times they are washed. You also get lovely pictures of toddlers covered in peanut butter or shaving cream, while writing on white walls with a black permanent marker. When I was pregnant I was convinced that my friends and family were trying to torture me with proof of misdeeds by little people.  I think that maybe those pictures and videos helped strengthen my nerves when it came to poop. Luckily, hubs and I never really had to deal with lots of poop or puke. I can count on one hand how many times in her 23 months that Baby K puked all over. Each time it was because she was inhaling her favorite food-- green beans. The explosive puke was traumatic, at the time, but so infrequent that I wasn't even going to write about it.  What I do NOT understand is why no one...

Let's end February with a bang! The first two months of 2018 have been significantly... extra. Baby K has been sick twice-- the January edition of "sick baby" landed us in the doctor's office (story later because mama is still traumatized). I have gone to three memorial services. We have been traveling on the weekend (basketball season) and I am not sure that I actually finished unpacking from our end of the year (2017) trip to Savannah. Y'all, I'm living off of caffeine and bad decision making. Slow down, 2018... no need to drop kick me this early in the year.  In addition to the whirlwind of emotions that come with the above named craziness, I'll tell you what else I have been feeling: judgment. Now listen, BEFORE Baby K I was not really sensitive to the judgment hoisted at me from other people. I didn't really notice it and, frankly, I just didn't care. I still don't care, but I notice the judgment more. I mean, God forbid Baby K fall i...

This is motherhood: here I sit, at 2:45 in the morning, watching Caribbean Life on HGTV and trying to quietly type my thoughts without waking a very talkative 18 month old. I swear that being a mom is really just undercover ninja training. Being THIS quiet is hard! I want to exhale loudly... especially if putting Baby K down takes an extended amount of time (which has been the case lately). But NO, quiet is a necessity for at least 20 minutes after she closes her chocolate colored eyeballs.  Being quiet at night is also really messing up my late night snacking life. I end up eating whatever makes the least amount of noise... which is never anything exceptionally good. I mean, chips come in crinkly bags, so guess who is eating pickles or canned fruit in the middle of the night? Not that there is anything wrong with those snacks, but, uh, if I have had to "mom" all day, I want some salty chips or great candy that I don't have to share.  Really I just want some qui...

Exactly two years ago today hubs and I made my pregnancy "Facebook official" with this picture. The caption read: ' Well now, it looks like 2016 is shaping up to be a new kind of adventure at our house... #NewParents #Preggo #MomToBe #DadToBe #Pregnant #AprilBaby #PregnancyAnnouncement.' Amazingly, it took more than a few of our friends a little while to realize what we were doing in this picture. Maybe they were already tired of autumn scenery on their Facebook timelines? They did get it though and this is one of our most liked pictures on Facebook.  How did you announce your pregnancy? If you are having another child, how will you announce it?

After Baby K was born I struggled with how I was going to introduce myself to her. I mean, I spent months talking to her while she punted my internal organs around, but once she was born, how would I let her know who I am? How could I make sure that she knew that I look a little different on the outside, but it was my heart that she was hearing beat for all those months? Most importantly, how could I ensure that her first word would be...mama? (It is a thing I have... don't judge me). As soon as we knew she was paying attention (and able to follow our fingers), we started pointing to our noses and saying our names. Round a bouts of "mama, dada, Kenzie" were heard over and over again. She seemed to love it. Laughs were had. After a month or so, she joined in. She would point to my nose and it was my job to say "mama" so I did. About 8,000 times. I didn't care. Have you ever heard a six month old giggle? Heaven. Plus, when we got past the cooing stage, Ba...

Who remembers the theme song from Welcome Back, Kotter? That is totally playing over and over again in my head. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Now it is totally running through your mind-- you're welcome.  Welcome back, to me!! I took a little self imposed hiatus from blogging this summer, so I could enjoy quality time with my little pumpkin eater. It has been outrageously satisfying watching her grow, taking her on trips to museums and farmers markets, letting her try new foods and watching her interact with new people. It has been a blast! Now there is a chill in the air and we are getting into a more home bound schedule, freeing up more time for me to type about our adventures. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back!  Let's get after it, y'all! 

Summertime in the city! The weather is fantastic and here in the Midwest everything is in bloom. Our garden is growing like gang busters and we are loving the life of fresh fruits and veggies that we planted and watered. A few years ago we planted berries (strawberries and raspberries). This year the raspberries have done so well. We can get a couple handfuls every other day. The strawberries have not fared as well-- the ants are eating them before we can pick them and the size of the berries have declined. What is a girl to do? Put everyone in the car and drive an hour west to Troy for everything strawberry!! A few weekends ago we did just that. June is a weird month for us. The weather is wacky (either too hot or too rainy), my mom's birthday is a week before Father's Day, my brothers and sisters are getting out of school and summertime activities are kicking off. We are crazy busy. So, even though it has been 5 years since I moved back to Columbus, we have not ventured out...

A few months ago (I know, I know... a few months. Sincerely, I thought I would get to this sooner, but the way my crazy life is set up...) I ordered some products from the Grove Collaborative . I had the idea that I would try out more natural products in our home and I am even more excited to do so since we have a walker in the house now. She gets into everything, so if I can clean with a little less toxicity, I'm down for it. Also, the Grove Collaborative was having a deal at the time - four gifts with a purchase of $20 or more, with free shipping. One of the most important things you should know about me? I LOVE a good deal. So free gifts AND free shipping? I was all the way in for that.  As you can see in the picture the items I ordered are: a multi surface cleaner (in two scents: Lemon Verbena and Peony), dish soap and hand soap in Peony, antibacterial toilet cleaner (scent: spearmint {I'm concerned}), antibacterial bathroom cleaner (also in spearmint), walnut an...

This is going to be more of a catch up, what's been going on entry... because SO much has been happening around here. First of all, WE HAVE A WALKER!! That's right, Baby K is making her way everywhere, mostly on her own. For a few months she has been participating in assisted walking, which really just means that she was dragging me and hubs around the house for balance. She still crawls and does her little bunny hop, but she added (non assisted) walking to her repertoire on May 28th. To be fair she put together 3 steps on the 27th, but really took off the following day. Her new thing is to walk towards you like she is going to bless you with her presence and at the last minute she turns around and goes the other way-- it is very entertaining... for her. Next: she still hates baths. Like, crying fits, hates them. She will get wiped off with little to no problems but the whole immerse her body into water is a constant struggle. She hayed the little seat that you put in the bat...

Ok, so I had this cute little post that was scheduled to go up today, but I postponed it. I postponed it until later this week because this attached video made me cry. Listen, I know that this blog is rather new, so y'all readers may not know, I am not a cryer. I mean, that is just not my emotional response. But this video? This video made me tear up. Also, I have vowed that THIS blog will not be overtly political. I have tons of political opinions, but I tend to keep them over here (please feel free to explore, if you like). So, I am leaving this video here, presented without my sassy political commentary. I think it is important and Jimmy's story is important... and the health of all children is important. Take a look!